Thursday, September 20, 2007

When Idiocy and Overweening Ego Exist in One Brain

Overheard on the Subway:

"So, they showed me my baby and I just couldn't believe that thing came out of me. My family was all "Eeeeeee'" (makes happy face) and I was all "Huhhhhhhhhhhh?" (makes slack-jawed face). I couldn't believe that thing came outta me. All I wanted was a cigarette and the nurses wouldn't let me have one. 'Not for at least 24 hours' they said and I was there for FIVE days. FIVE whole days. That's retarded."


"Why were you in the hospital for five days?"


"I dunno. I guess because of the Ceasarian. But the nurses called me a nuisance because all I wanted was a cigarette. I kept asking and asking and asking and finally the doctor told me I could have one after I was off the whatis."


"What whatis?"


"The respirator thing. It was retarded. I didn't need that! They told me I had a stroke, but I don't believe them because I don't remember it. And one side of my body wasn't paralyzed. But that doctor told me I couldn't smoke because of the oxygen. He told me I shouldn't smoke while I was on the blood thinners, either. I didn't care. I just wanted a cigarette."


"Blood thinners? What for?"


"I had clots. Blood clots. I guess. In my lungs and legs they said. But they wouldn't let me have a cigarette. All I wanted was a cigarette. FINALLY, they let me out after FIVE days. FIVE days! It was RETARDED!

I don't know why they did that. The instant I got outside that goddamn place I lit up a cigarette. I was discharged at 7:20 pm and I had that cigarette at 7:25 pm! FIVE days after I gave birth! FIVE days I had to wait. Best cigarette I ever had!"


"How is your baby?"


"How the hell am I supposed to know? Danny got him, din't he?"

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Ebay Seller Laptopenterprise Doesn't Want Your Business!

I actually love Ebay. You can find great stuff there and get great prices. And occasionally you get entertainment values, also. For example, who can forget the Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich?

Frankly, even I can't complain about the vast majority of purchases I have made. Most sellers are actually honest. I know it's a challenge to my generally misanthropic attitude, and yet I persist in making purchases there. It's strange, I know.

But recently I had an Ebay experience with laptopenterprise and all my worst hatreds of humanity were reinforced.

I needed a lightweight tablet computer for a project on which I was working*. These types of units are used like a clipboard. You hold them in one arm while working on the screen with a pen-like stylus. They have no CD player nor disc drive since the light weight is essential. So, the only way to install software is over the network or through a USB CD drive.

No problem. Even though I didn't have a USB CD, I had a home network. I did my research, narrowed down my choices and looked on Ebay for the best model I could afford.

I found this auction from laptopenterprise: "Fujitsu T series t3010 d Laptop Computer Tablet PC wifi." Maybe the awkwardness of the title should have given me pause, but the price was reasonable, the unit described had everything I needed and, most importantly, the description said that networking was fully operational. So, I ordered one.

The tablet arrived quickly. Great! But uh-oh, networking wasn't working. So, I couldn't install the software I needed. So I couldn't use the unit. Another was to put it was that networking was broken and the unit wasn't functional**. What a let down!

I contacted the seller, laptopenterprise, through Ebay right away to let him know of the problem. And waited. And waited. I thought, "give 'em a chance. It's the weekend."***

Three days later, I contacted the seller through Ebay again. And waited. And waited. Contacted them from my work email the next day (after four days of waiting) and let them know I was contacting Ebay Dispute Resolution if I didn't hear back immediately.

That did it. I finally received a reply from someone named Tim Coeling who was uncaring from the start. It also turns out the guy didn't know much. The fix he emailed was blocked by all the email servers I use, including my work email, because he was trying to email an executable file (if you don't know, every email admin blocks executables to protect their systems from viruses. My work does this. Hotmail does this. GMail does this. Yahoo! Mail does this. But he couldn't accept that fact. Not very savvy, our Tim.).

Tim put me through another week of back and forth about the problem, getting more and more unsympathetic each time. I missed a deadline because I couldn't use the tablet computer over Labor Day Weekend. I wasted a lot of time trying to fix the thing myself. Whenever I let him know that the problem was costing me time and patience, he'd belittle my complaints. "I don't feel that one missing driver is a huge deal. Especially since I am providing it." he wrote as if the fact that his description of the unit was false and I had missed my deadline was of no concern. Well, it was of no concern to him, anyway.

I had to ask around to find out how this supposedly expert seller could get the file to me. I had to tell him what to do and he finally managed to email the fix correctly. After the tablet was finally functional, I left negative feedback on Ebay for him since the problem cost so me much time and his attitude was so bad. This was his response:
You left me a negative?! And lied in it? What is your problem? The 10/100 was not "broken." I emailed you the driver 3 times because YOUR emails were screwed up. I can't believe you left a negative.

Then he left negative feedback for me even though I paid quickly and let him know about the problem quickly. Stupidly, he wrote in that feedback he was leaving me a negative because I had left him one. That is called retaliation, if you don't know, and is very bad customer service.

I got angry at his retaliation, so we had some back and forth for a couple of days. I let him know, among other things, that the problem took so long to fix because of his incompetence. I let him know that if a buyer misses a deadline because of a seller's false description, that is a big deal. I let him know that the email system at my work handles hundreds of thousands of critical**** emails each day so is hardly 'screwed up'. To sum up, he wrote this:

RE: Fujitsu T series t3010 d Laptop Computer Tablet PC wifi (330156889346)

You're nuts. I don't want you or any of your friends buying from us.


So, I'm letting everybody know to NOT buy from laptopenterprise on Ebay. Not only does he sell non-functioning computers and doesn't know how to fix them, but he doesn't want your business!!*****


* You think I make a living blogging?!?!? HA!
** This syntax will come into play later in my tale
*** I know, incredibly charitable of me. What was I thinking?
**** I work for a large, famous, teaching and research hospital, so this statement is no exaggeration.
*****I don't think this is a good business model, but who am I to judge?

Friday, September 14, 2007

I'm Still Cranky


I actually wanted this photo for my other site, Little Green Fascists, but figured I'd let you get a peep at my magnificence.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Yelling, Jostling and Stupid Shoes!

So, I took the train during the middle of the day today and discovered a whole different crowd of assholes people ride the train during non-rush hour. My experience started with a Cell Phone Asshole with Stupid Shoes. She sounded as if she was giving loud personal advice to a friend, but there is a whole breed to salespeople who take advantage of lonely people by pretending to be their friend... so it could have been that. And the shoes were spectacularly stupid -- 4 inch spike heels for the full icepick-in-the-heel feeling and pointy narrow toes for the vise effect on the toes. They couldn't have happened to a nicer person! Here's a better view:


Then I felt my seat being hit. And hit again. And again. I looked over at the asshole sharing the large bench seat and he was sitting there eating his lunch while picking his nose -- or is it picking his nose while eating his lunch?


He looked innocent enough, so I looked at the two people in the seat behind. They were both reading and looked unaware. The instant I looked out the window the hitting and jostling began again. And it was the nose-picker! What a superior human being.

I pretended to look straight ahead at something and then quickly turned to him as he leaned forward and thrust his body back against the seat back. "Please stop that!" I said and that stopped it. Well, that stopped the seat back hitting, not the nose picking!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Confession / Supremo Crank!

I have to confess that I was completely outclassed in crankiness by an old guy at the Porter Square Shopping Center yesterday.

The occasion was The Second Annual Boston Zombie March. It's a fun time for several hundred zombies to gather and lurch from Davis Square to Harvard Square* for... well... the hell of it. This year, there were also a dozen or so 'protesters' with signs which had slogans such as 'Zombies Stay Dead' and 'God Hates Zombies'. There were even two zombie-protesting robots. Then there was the handful of Parents and Friends of Zombies (PFZ) 'counter-protesting' the protesters. No pirates or ninjas, though.

Just like last year, the police blocked off traffic even though most of the zombies stayed on the sidewalks. Even with traffic snarled, 99.99% of the people who saw the march thought it was funny. Well, some were scared, but even they admitted the zombies are harmless (one phobic called out to the zombies, "I'm o.k.! I'm o.k.!" as she huddled in the corner of a building alcove. We felt for her, but would only have made it worse to approach her).

When the zombies got to Porter Square they cut through the shopping center to get to Massachusetts Ave. And that is where it happened. That is where I was simply blown away in the crankiness department beyond all hope of redemption.

This old guy was standing in front of the Shaw's Supermarket yelling at the zombies for 'blocking traffic' and 'being assholes'! He only got more adamant as different zombies threatened to eat his brains or explained that it was the cops who had blocked traffic. He stayed there, yelling away, for the entire duration of the March -- about an hour, I'd say. "You assholes!" he screamed, "What the hell are you even doing this for?!?! You should be ashamed of yourselves for being such assholes!!"

Wow! That was some spectacular crankiness!

(I didn't get a photo of the supremo crank since my cameraphone was hopelessly smeared with greasepaint at that point. You can find photos of the March here. Guess which one is me!)

UPDATE: Here is a photo of a couple of the zombies the supremo crank was yelling at. What assholes!

*Yeah, I know. The march was in Somerville and Cambridge, not Boston. I didn't organize it, so just shut up!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Hairy Mortgage Argument

This guy was having a loud fight with someone about some mortgage something or other. He's notable not only for being incredibly hairy, but also for exceeding the very high noise threshold of my industrial-strength earplugs. What an asshole!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

'Christian' Asshole Strikes Again!

You may remember this guy from our very first entry. He's a Christian who acts like he owns the train. Well, today, he also proved himself to be a cell phone asshole! I guess he's just doing unto others.

(Note that I've avoided blocking as much of his halo as possible. Also note that he is wearing anklet socks.)

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Slanted Stupid Shoes

No, the photo is not distorted. What you see here is a pair of stupid shoes so worn-out that the end of the heels put the wearer's feet on a slant. So, this moron is wobbling along and putting her entire leg out of joint at the same time. Yum! Sexy!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Apparently Gay Cell Phone Asshole With a Girlfriend - Yikes!

So, my first thought with this guy was that he is gay. He had the grooming, the shoes and the haircut. I thought his first loud phone call was with his boyfriend because they were arguing about what they wanted to do that night. They really couldn't come to an agreement, so decided to "play it by ear".

Then he started talking about meeting her parents for the first time that weekend. Her?! Yep, the apparently gay guy has a girlfriend. After a long and loud phone call in which he seemed quite depressed, he then called a male friend.

They discussed his phone call with his girlfriend at length - his take seemed to be that he was quite reluctant to commit to her and was just marking time until something better came along. I'm assuming the girlfriend feels differently since she was getting her boyfriend together with her parents, but who am I to judge?

The CPA and his male friend started talking about general subjects and he became increasingly animated, happy and excited. They easily set up a date for that night. None of that happiness or excitement was present when he was talking to his girlfriend.

Now how do we let the girlfriend know her relationship is doomed?

Friday, May 4, 2007

A Philosophy of Stupid Shoes

I was talking to a woman I know who just loves stilletto heels. That perplexes me since she is starting to have foot, knee and hip problems. She connects the foot problems to her stupid shoes, but denies the knee and hip problems have anything to do with her teetering around in high heels.

She's relatively smart and doesn't take any crap from anyone. But she gladly lets her shoes destroy her health. I guess denial is a powerful force.

On the bright side, I only saw three pairs of stupid shoes today. These were the stupidest of the three:

As far as Stupid Shoes go, I've seen stupider. Happily, almost every other person I saw was wearing comfortable shoes. It's nice to see.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Red Stupid Shoes

I think these stupid shoes used to have high heels. They just don't look right as flats -- the heels are lower than the toes. The heels either broke off or were sawed off in a frenzy by the owner. And can you blame her? Walking around while your toes are being forcibly squeezed into a tiny triangle is excruciating enough. Imagine if you had that agony going on as you wobbled on high heels!

And keep in mind that there's a tendency to trip over the long pointy toes. Note how the toe of the right shoe has been crumpled and marred, for example. Wear stupid shoes such as these long enough and you end up with hammer toes and a broken bones.

Another Cold Morning; Another Idiot Ashole

This idiot was not only smoking on the train platform, but she was shivering as she drank an iced coffee on a cold morning. Duh. She achieved some sort of moron trifecta shortly after this photo was taken by whipping out her cell phone and talking loudly into it (is there any other way?)

Meth? Crazy? Mom.

This mother was high or crazy. The conductor on the train refused to help her with her stroller since her baby was in a carrier perched precariously on top of a stroller -- and nothing was strapped in or safe.

In addition to dancing in the aisle, she kept up a rambling monologue about a wide-range of subjects. Poor kid to have such a parent. But who am I to judge?

Friday, April 27, 2007

This Cell Phone Asshole Was Actually Funny

This guy was having a fight with his girlfriend or somebody and started chanting "I can't! I can't! I can't!" over and over. It was rhythmic enough for me to fill in blanks as follows:

"Be considerate of others!"
"I can't! I can't! I can't"
"Stop talking so loudly!"
"I can't! I can't! I can't"
"Grow up and get a job!"
"I can't! I can't! I can't"
"Stop being so stupid!"
"I can't! I can't! I can't"

That was fun.

Stupid Shoes


It was a cold Spring day in Boston. This woman constantly shivered as she wobbled along on her spike-heeled stupid shoes. You want to know how it feels to walk in shoes like these? Easy!

Take a new, unsharpened #2 pencil and neatly saw off the eraser end. Then saw the remaining pencil in half. Tape each half of the pencil to the center of each of your heels and try to walk.

What a moron!

Teenagers

Teenagers are pretty much the definition of asshole, especially when they travel in packs. These guys were yelling down the track to hear the echo or themselves... or something.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

More Cell Phone Assholes... with a Side of Alcoholism! And Racism!

This morning was o.k., but the evening commute started with one cell phone asshole talking about something at loud volume (couldn't tell what - he mumbled that badly).


Then there was the drunk taking up three seats and casting a sour smell over the entire car.


Then there was another cell phone asshole on the train. It's hard to see, but the guy has his mic wire in his mouth and is holding the mic right up to his lips -- and he was still way too loud. Plus his feet really, really stunk. You know that nasty sneaker odor? Yep.

The piece de la resistance were the two racist kids on the bus. As Asian, Black or Latino riders passed them to enter or exit, they made rude noises or called them names. Nice! They shut up as soon as I took their photos. Brave!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Red Letter Day for Cell Phone Assholes

First there was the kid who was loudly pleading with someone to please go out with him as he tried to hide behind some poles.


Then there was this guy yelling at someone about needing help paying his rent. "I helped you when you needed it and now you have to help me pay my rent!!" was the repeating theme of this loud phone call. He postured and yelled, snapping the phone shut like a drama queen at one point.

Then there was a kid who first called his mom to make sure it was o.k. if he went to a friend's house to work on his bike, then called his friend to make sure it was o.k. if he came over to work on his bike, then called his mom again to see if he could get a ride to his friend's house, then called the friend back to say he couldn't make it over in time to work on his bike 'cuz his mom couldn't drive him over and he couldn't bike from the train station in the dark and then... All at top volume, of course.

Friday, March 16, 2007

'Christian' Asshole

So, this guy is always taking up two seats on the train. If it's crowded and - god forbid - he has to share the seat, he'll roll his eyes, sigh and crowd the other person into the corner. Typical asshole behavior. Recently, I found out that he considers himself a Christian.

Yep. He apparently worships a guy who said things like, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Wow.